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Testing. Testing.

I don't sleep, not really, not anymore. Christ it has been a long road to get to the bottom. Dramatic? You bet your ass it is. Doesn't mean it isn't true. I can't really remember what it is like to be happy, if I ever really knew what it was like. I don't think I've ever even really knew who I was. Now I'm nobody, a captured pawn. I don't even have the illusion of hope. I use to. I wanted to do things. That sounds dumb, we all wanted to do thing. And I guess I got to do some of the things I wanted, so I guess I can't complain all that much. Though I like to think I could have done more, done better if I hadn't taken the path I took.

Ten years of my life I gave to someone. And I can't even write about that relationship without tearing up like a bitch. There is a knot in my stomach thinking about her and everything I allowed her to do to me, how I let her treat me. Maybe I deserved it, I don't know. I don't know how interpersonal, let alone romantic relationships are meant to work. I only know how I wish they worked, how I'd like them to. Which is typically the way you'd see them in some quirky TV Show. There has been a few, very, few women I have felt strongly for. One who understandably could never feel the same and the other who was all but perfect. With minor faults being she was married and terminally ill.

Her health issues presenting themselves right at a time that my father's own health began to decline last summer. All this starting right before my father was informed he was to be evicted sometime in this year. I sit here, I can do nothing but look at where my life is and laugh. Mostly at myself for ever thinking I belonged, for thinking I would somehow, someday matter. If not to someone else at least to myself.

Not a day goes by that I don’t regret being stopped.



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