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Every so often I find comfort in the idea of the many worlds theory. I enjoy the thought that certain choices and moments in time will create new worlds based on all possible outcomes. Though of course this is taking quite the liberty with the actual theory, but none the less it is somewhat of a pleasant thought. There is a world where things work out for the best, maybe. I think more or less the point I wanted to get at is the thought of a world where love existence is the sort of thing that gives me a smile, the sort of thing that makes suicide so much easier. You can't die, not if there are other worlds. Shoot myself in the head and another universe is born where I don't shoot myself, or one where I do but live. A horrible life no doubt but I'm not living it, not this version of me anyway, I'll be dead.

It's strange because this was not originally what I came here to rant about. I came here because no one will read this and I can finally unload so many of the things I let fill my skull. One of those things is a girl. But it always is, right? Bitches man, bitches....

I could be the only one who feels like this but TV and film have warped the concept of love. The perfect relationship, the soulmate. But maybe there is such a thing. I thought I might have found someone like that but it was not meant to be. I fell in love with her, she helped me realize how bad the relationship I was in was. And she did this by just doing something I never thought anyone could do for me. She believed in me. Not just believed in me, but wanted to help push me, elevate me. On the surface we should never had been friends, but we all hide who we truly are when out among other humans. What really counts it what is behind our armor, and with her I found someone smart, funny, talented, and beautiful. More on the inside for me, not that she is not a very cute girl, but not my type physically. And me not hers which is how we ended up here.

There was a point where it was clear that there was an awkwardness around us. Thanks in part to other people. Friends who enjoyed mentioning how good we are together. Not that I buy into things like numerology but according to someone I once knew who did, her and I were a perfect match. She was the first girl I was able to see a future with, a family, house, all that bullshit. It's weird typing it all out, letting these thoughts and feelings out.

To quote the character Melvin Udall, this girl "make me want to be a better man."

A missed opportunity in this world, but maybe, just maybe there is a world where we are together. I wouldn't be happy, I don't think I can be no matter the reality. But in that world I'd have purpose, someone to love, to love me. Someone that would make me want to reach my fullest. I hope to find that again, that feeling. To click so perfectly with another person. It's rare in this reality.

And to my other selves. "I'm happy. Hope you're happy, too. I've loved. All I've needed: love."

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calibrizzi
C.A.Librizzi

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