I find myself becoming more and more paranoid with each day. Which is a very scary thing for me, the idea that I can’t trust anyone is horrifying. I have trouble trusting Mirian over simple things, I come up with elaborate reasons why she may be lying to me. I feel friends are only “friends” out of some form of pity, and that just about everyone hates me and does nothing but say bad things. Conspiracies building in my brain implanting fears. This is one of the many roots of my current depressed state.
What to do, what to do?
There is this endless feeling of being trapped in my own life, and there is no sign of an open door leading to freedom. Happiness normally means you are happy, for me happiness leans to more depression, depression, for me, is understanding, understanding things will not get better. I can’t say for certain if this makes any sense so far, but I think one has reached a bad spot in their life when they say to themselves most days
“I really don’t see myself being around in two years.”
While I feel strongly these feelings can be reduced if I had a somewhat normal sleep pattern, unfortunately that’s just not in the cards. Don’t know why but I’ve never been able to sleep regularly and the years of sleep deprivation have eaten holes in my mind. And of course the only job I was able to get was a night shift, so the times I feel sleep may be a possibility I can’t go to sleep because then I’ll be to tired at work.
There are other problems here, some that seem like easy fixes but for the most part are quiet hard. People being another big factor in my crumbling mind set. More specifically the people around me, “friends” for lack of a better word. These people are scum bags, and while for years I have fairly enjoyed living down among the scum I crave so much more from life. Chaos is something I have dealt with for years, drug addicts, criminals and some of them good people at heart but not the people I would like in my life. I want normal…? If there is a such thing.
I want good friends. The friends in my life bring a Tom Waits lyric to mind, “Everyone I use to know is either dead or in prison.” This is not the life I want for myself, not anymore. To just sit with a group of people who have more to talk about besides beating up hookers, or getting arrest. Christ I would like to have at least one friend who has a job, and can keep it. If I say hey lets go bowling, to a movie, to the bar I’d like to for once hear “Sure, cool, okay.” And not “I ain’t go not money.”
*Sigh* It seems I only have two real options anymore, acceptance and death, and since death is not all that appeal to me right now I may just have to accept it. Although who knows what tomorrow will bring, since death becomes more appeal with each passing day. Fuck.
Well screw this, disregard depressing rant, I’ll suppress for now.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Rain
- Current Music:Darkness on the edge of town-Bruce Springsteen
Violets are blue,
Nothing but lies
They feed me and you,
Don’t trust their words,
Dig beneath the surface and find,
The roses are plastic
Oozing toxic delusions
Fooling us into thinking their garden’s fantastic,
But it’s all just a trick
Quick save yourself,
Run for the gate,
Before it’s to late.
- Current Mood: blah
- Current Music:Mos Def
Man’s warranty has expired
I think things are about to get dire
Because we can’t return our broken selves
There’s just no room left on the shelves
For these obsolete models called humankind
But it’s really not our faults
We were just faulty by design.
- Current Mood: tired
Misery engulfs the soul like a shadow pulling apart the seams of dreams and hope. A destructive wave of endless black crashing over the mind, leaving nothing but doubt and self-hate in its wake.
Yeah I’m at that place again.
Oh and there's this stuff.
If you have the time please check it out, and if you're so inclined comment, even if you hate them, and I guess it wouldn't hurt to pass them along to friends, family, loved ones, co-workers, enemies, and Casual acquaintances.
- Current Mood: cynical
- Current Music:None.