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Shadow people plotting.

A friend of mine recently suggested keeping a journal as a way to help deal with my growing depression.  Though I doubt it will help much.

I find myself becoming more and more paranoid with each day.  Which is a very scary thing for me, the idea that I can’t trust anyone is horrifying.  I have trouble trusting Mirian over simple things, I come up with elaborate reasons why she may be lying to me.  I feel friends are only “friends” out of some form of pity, and that just about everyone hates me and does nothing but say bad things.  Conspiracies building in my brain implanting fears.  This is one of the many roots of my current depressed state.

What to do, what to do?


I’ve noticed as of lately my mental state is becoming increasingly worse.  I’ve been suffering from horrible panic attacks lately, the kind that cripple me to the point that movement and thought are completely foreign concepts.  The worst part is whenever I begin to feel any bit of happiness I become much more depressed.  I reach such low points where I just want to shut down and waste away.

Dying from the insdie.

    I’m becoming slightly more depressed and hopeless with each day.  I’m sure that’s not a good thing, but I feel that I can see my future which from where I stand now looks a lot like the past, which is a lot like today.  The pattern here being, a lot of misery, brief moments of happiness and then a lot more misery.  Of course I have absolutely no way of knowing that the future will be nothing but darkness and depression but it seems fairly logical that it will be.

There is this endless feeling of being trapped in my own life, and there is no sign of an open door leading to freedom.  Happiness normally means you are happy, for me happiness leans to more depression, depression, for me, is understanding, understanding things will not get better.  I can’t say for certain if this makes any sense so far, but I think one has reached a bad spot in their life when they say to themselves most days
“I really don’t see myself being around in two years.”
While I feel strongly these feelings can be reduced if I had a somewhat normal sleep pattern, unfortunately that’s just not in the cards.  Don’t know why but I’ve never been able to sleep regularly and the years of sleep deprivation have eaten holes in my mind.  And of course the only job I was able to get was a night shift, so the times I feel sleep may be a possibility I can’t go to sleep because then I’ll be to tired at work.

There are other problems here, some that seem like easy fixes but for the most part are quiet hard.  People being another big factor in my crumbling  mind set.  More specifically the people around me, “friends” for lack of a better word.  These people are scum bags, and while for years I have fairly enjoyed living down among the scum I crave so much more from life.  Chaos is something I have dealt with for years, drug addicts, criminals and some of them good people at heart but not the people I would like in my life.  I want normal…?  If there is a such thing.

I want good friends.  The friends in my life bring a Tom Waits lyric to mind, “Everyone I use to know is either dead or in prison.”  This is not the life I want for myself, not anymore.  To just sit with a group of people who have more to talk about besides beating up hookers, or getting arrest.  Christ I would like to have at least one friend who has a job, and can keep it.  If I say hey lets go bowling, to a movie, to the bar I’d like to for once hear “Sure, cool, okay.”  And not “I ain’t go not money.”

*Sigh*  It seems I only have two real options anymore, acceptance and death, and since death is not all that appeal to me right now I may just have to accept it.  Although who knows what tomorrow will bring, since death becomes more appeal with each passing day.  Fuck.

Well screw this, disregard depressing rant, I’ll suppress for now.

I'm bored


I feel I need something more from this world....Maybe a helper monkey, I think that would be enjoyable...Oh well.

Maybe one day...

Is it just me or is my life just not normal?  I mean really come on!  Drunk Mexican guys passed in my parking-lot with his eyes rolled in the back of his head, piss stained pant, and a twitching leg at three thirty in the morning.  That's not normal for most people, but yet things like that happen all the time in my life and it is at the point where all you can do is laugh and brush it off.  Somebody please tell me this is not how most lives are.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Nothing but lies
They feed me and you,
Don’t trust their words,
Dig beneath the surface and find,
The roses are plastic
Oozing toxic delusions
Fooling us into thinking their garden’s fantastic,
But it’s all just a trick
Quick save yourself,
Run for the gate,
Before it’s to late.

Working is very, very suck

Haven't slept yet, been working a grave, wrote this because it pooped into my brain space.

Man’s warranty has expired

I think things are about to get dire

Because we can’t return our broken selves

There’s just no room left on the shelves

For these obsolete models called humankind

But it’s really not our faults

We were just faulty by design. 


Misery engulfs the soul like a shadow pulling apart the seams of dreams and hope.  A destructive wave of endless black crashing over the mind, leaving nothing but doubt and self-hate in its wake.


Yeah I’m at that place again.


I hate being back in NJ.  That is all.

Oh and there's this stuff.

If you have the time please check it out, and if you're so inclined comment, even if you hate them, and I guess it wouldn't hurt to pass them along to friends, family, loved ones, co-workers, enemies, and Casual acquaintances.





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